T.V. Lessons

Things learned from TV:

All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

The Good guy always wins.

When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.

A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.

Traffic Court

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

To Marry A Frog

Long ago there was a man who had a 25 inch penis. After consulting many people  and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch. Once with the witch he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me  to find women who can accomodate me. Can you help me?" The witch said,  "Go to the forest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you.  It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis  to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!" So he left to the forest and after hours of walking he found the frog, he kneel  down and asked the frog to marry him.The frog said, "No."  Then his penis shrunk five inches.  He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said,  "No." And it shrunk another five inches.  Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches  will be fine."  So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"  The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: No, no, and NO!"

How Did You Get Here?

Two women have just arrived at the Pearly Gates and are comparing stories on  how they died. First Woman: "Myself, I froze to death" Second Woman: "You froze to death? how horrible!" First Woman: "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began  to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" Second Woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating,  so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in  the den, watching TV." First Woman: "So what happened?" Second Woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that  I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched,  then ran all the way back down to the basement and searched. Then I went through  every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,  and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over from a heart attack and died." First Woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - We'd both still be alive..."

A ScientificBreakthrough

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

No further testing is planned.