The Farmer Is Selling His Peaches

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.  He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.  He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,  "Would you like to buy some peaches?"  She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked," are they as firm as this?"  He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.  Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"  The farmer said, "Yes,yes they are," and a little tear came from the other eye.  Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"  He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.  She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"  Wiping his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!" 

The Cat Is Going To Kill Me

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

Redneck's Wife Is Having A Baby

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.  "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."  Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?" 

How Irish Dancing Started - now I understand the origins of Irish dance- its rooted in excess beer and having nowhere to piddle, cleverly disguised by the sound of a fiddle....!!!

How Irish Dancing Started - now I understand the origins of Irish dance- its rooted in excess beer and having nowhere to piddle, cleverly disguised by the sound of a fiddle....!!!

A Farmer & His Wife

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and “say,

Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her crotch, and “he says,

Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis.

Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

A Horny Young Man

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all

buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."