Just the Same

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,  'I almost had an affair with another woman.'  The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'  The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,  but then I stopped.'  The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five  Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'  The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then  walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.  The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,  'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'  The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and  according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

The Simplest Explanation

A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law  Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously. "What happened!!  I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her  I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home...  and guess what I found?? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in  our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage.  I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. " There is something very odd going on here.  Jean would never do such  a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately  and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.  "There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple  explanation! "Well what is it?" Fumed Pete. "She never got your E-mail!"

He Needs A Drink

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." 

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." 

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. 

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". 

"Yeah, my wife..."

The Milking Gear

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived  when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.  So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and  everything else was automatic.   Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure  than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he  couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.  He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage  himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.  Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell  phone (Thank god for cell phones!).  "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic,  but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"  "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release  automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"

How To Lie To Your Boss

Two factory workers are talking. 

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." 

The man replies, "And how would you do that?" 

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. 

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" 

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." 

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." 

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" 

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."