The ABC Of Love

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. 

He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are  A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." 

She asks ... "What does that mean?" 

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!"

She beamed at him happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his testicles

Keeping All The Cows

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble then her friends, couldn't quite reach that far...

Not Her Time Yet

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

“I didn’t recognize you.”

The Elderly Couple

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." 

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" 

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?" 

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."