House Cleaning

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

The Beautiful Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"

Flea Wrangler

Timothy : "Why are you catching so many fleas?"

Mike : "Didn't you see the Notice Board?"

"There's going to be a Flea Market at our Apartment Lobby tomorrow morning."

Have A Beer!

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, Miller's president orders a Miller and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness' turn to order he orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

"Nah," Guinness replies, "If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I."

Cover All Exists

During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the Sgt. reports to the chief.

"Sorry sir but they got away."

The chief very disappointed says, "I told you to cover all Exits!"

"I did" replied the Sgt. "but they got away through the Entrance."

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"